too bad you live with your parents still
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
