So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
