Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
