I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
