You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
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Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
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I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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