My hand turned me down
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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