I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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