the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
