rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
