you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize