you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
