Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
