On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
