fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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