i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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