I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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