ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
