Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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