I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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