my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
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Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
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If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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