If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
