I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
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Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
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So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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