he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
