Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
