woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
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she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
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I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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