But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize