So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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