At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
