I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
