you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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