She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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