Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
