maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
