woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
