I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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