Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
