I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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