Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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