He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
