Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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