3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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