Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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