I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I FOUND THE LEGS
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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