I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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