oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
