I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Less talking, more tequila
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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