Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
