Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
