I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
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The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
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Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.