I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.