Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
