When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
