Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
