I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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