I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
