so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
