I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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